I finally came into a situation that I have avoided for quite sometime...be in a group gimik with someone that I am not in good terms with.
Okay, just a little history...I had this gap with a friend for about 4 years now. It started pretty shallow, a misunderstanding in an email which unfortunately led to an exchange of pretty harsh words. I guess that's the problem with written messages...the tone is usually set by the receiver...jokes and opinions are usually misinterpreted no matter how subtly you put it or how many smileys you add to it...the message is usually received in a tone depending on the mood of the person reading it. Anyway, the exchange of harsh words hurt me so much that I decided to end (yes, END) the friendship. I guess what she said and what she said she did, hit me hard. Ending the friendship was a sad thing for me to do as I have never done it before. But I was angry, disappointed and so hurt that I had to do it. No, she was not entirely at fault, I know I was wrong too but somehow that encounter left a wound on me that even now has not completely healed.
We have common friends, so I knew that time will come that we would cross paths again...and so it came. A good friend is leaving for an overseas work, so even though I knew she would be there, I had to attend the group dinner because I have to personally bid our friend goodbye as he's one of my favorite friends in the group. I was confident that all I would need is to exercise some "deadma" powers. I was lucky because I was seated near a group of friends I haven't seen for such a long time, so I was busy chatting with them the whole night. It was not difficult to act as if she wasn't there, though doing it still felt heavy on me. Going home, I thought to myself...I did pretty well.
Later this afternoon, the thought of what transpired last night came back to me. And I asked myself, did I really do well? Could I have done better? No, I don't mean more "deadma" power but instead if it would have been better if I acted as if we didn't have a gap. I didn't need to chat with her as there were many others to chat with. I just thought that maybe making the first move to say a simple "hi" or offering a short handshake could have made a lot of difference. Maybe doing that could have lessen the pain and could be the only dose I needed for the wound to finally heal...maybe...maybe not...I don't know. Oddly, as I was writing that last sentence, tears began to form in my eyes...maybe because I still hurt or maybe because I regret letting go of the chance to finally forgive and forget.